Monday, January 02, 2006

Top Seven Old School Quotes
(in memory of Patrick Cranshaw)

7. Beanie: Well, let me be the first to say congratulations to you man; you have one vagina for the rest of your life. Real smart man.

6. Frank: I told my wife I wouldn't drink tonight. Besides, I got a big day tomorrow. You guys have a great time.
College Student: A big day? Doing what?
Frank: Well, um, actually a pretty nice little Saturday, we're going to go to Home Depot. Yeah, buy some wallpaper, maybe get some flooring, stuff like that. Maybe Bed, Bath, & Beyond, I don't know, I don't know if we'll have enough time.

5. Frank: [after funneling a beer] Fill it up again! Fill it up again! Once it hits your lips, it's so good!

4. Frank: Are you sure you're ok with this, Blue?
Blue: Just ring the fucking bell, you pansy.

3. Beanie: Oh yeah. Cheeeeeese. Yeah, didn't we lock you in a dumpster one time?

2. Mitch: True love is hard to find, sometimes you think you have true love and then you catch the early flight home from San Diego and a couple of nude people jump out of your bathroom blindfolded like a goddamn magic show ready to double team your girlfriend...

1. Frank: You're my boy, Blue!

Monday, December 12, 2005

Top Seven SportsCenter Anchors

7. John Anderson

6. Stuart Scott

5. Charlie Steiner

4. Keith Olbermann

3. Rich Eisen

2. Scott Van Pelt

1. Chris Berman

Thursday, November 10, 2005

Top Seven Mike Tyson Quotes

7. "All praise is to Allah, I'll fight any man, any animal, if Jesus were here I'd fight him too."

6. "I paid a worker at New York's zoo to re-open it just for me and Robin. When we got to the gorilla cage there was 1 big silverback gorilla there just bullying all the other gorillas. They were so powerful but their eyes were like an innocent infant. I offered the attendant $10,000 to open the cage and let smash that silverback's snotbox! He declined."

5. "Lennox Lewis, I'm coming for you man. My style is impetuous. My defense is impregnable, and I'm just ferocious. I want your heart. I want to eat his children. Praise be to Allah!"

4. "I broke my back. I don't even know how I'm standing. It's a miracle. The doctor took me to the pain center and I wasn't supposed to fight, but what am I supposed to do? I'm going to take care of my family." "I like doing other things," Tyson said in a rambling post-fight press conference. "I like getting high, hanging out with my kids, I like drinking. I like doing other things."

3. “He called me a ‘rapist’ and a ‘recluse.’ I’m not a recluse.”

2. [To a female reporter] "It's no doubt I am going to win this fight and I feel confident about winning this fight. I normally don't do interviews with women unless I fornicate with them. So you shouldn't talk anymore... Unless you want to, you know."

1. "One morning I woke up and found my favorite pigeon, Julius, had died I was devastated and was gonna use his crate as my stickball bat to honor him. I left the crate on my stoop and went in to get something and I returned to see the sanitation man put the crate into the crusher. I rushed him and caught him flush on the temple with a titanic right hand, he was out cold, convulsing on the floor like a infantile retard."

Thursday, November 03, 2005

Top Seven TV Characters

7. Tyrone Biggums
Chappelle's Show
6. Earl
My Name is Earl
5. Susie
Curb Your Enthusiasm
4. Quagmire
Family Guy
3. Kramer
2. Johnny Drama
1. Doug

Sunday, October 23, 2005

Top Seven Women Over 50

7. Morgan Fairchild
6. Cheryl Ladd
5. Janice Dickinson
4. Suzanne Somers
3. Kim Basinger
2. Farrah Fawcett
1. Christie Brinkley

Thursday, October 20, 2005

Top Seven Sex Scenes

7. White Men Can't Jump - Rosie Perez has huge beautiful nipples

6. Cocktail - Classic waterfall scene with Elizabeth Shue

5. Boogie Nights - Take your pick but I like the scene between Amber Waves (Julianne Moore) and Dirk Diggler (Marky Mark)

4. Desperado - Candlelight setting provides nice background for the glorious Salma Hayek

3. Wild Things - Ummm threesome? As Matt Dillon's brother would say...Victory!!!

2. Basic Instinct - How is this not #1?

1. Monster's Ball - Nothing can top watching Halle Berry get ravaged by an old, ugly white man

Wednesday, October 19, 2005

Top Seven Kurt Russell Movies

7. Big Trouble in Little China

6. The Thing

5. Used Cars

4. Escape From New York

3. Backdraft

2. Captain Ron

1. Tombstone

Monday, October 17, 2005

Top Seven Fast Food Burgers

7. Big Bacon ClassicWendy's580
6. Double DoubleIn-n-Out Burger670
5. Double Quarter Pounder with CheeseMcDonald's730
4. Bacon 'n' Cheese Ciabatta BurgerJack in the Box1140
3. 2/3 Lb. Double Bacon Cheese ThickburgerHardee's1300
2. Classic Triple with CheeseWendy's970
1. Monster ThickburgerHardee's1410

Saturday, October 15, 2005

Top Seven Athletes Turned Actors

7. Keith Hernandez as Keith Hernandez in Seinfeld

6. Lawrence Taylor as Luther 'Shark' Lavay in Any Given Sunday

5. Carl Weathers as Apollo Creed in Rocky I,II,III,IV and as Major George Dillon in Predator

4. Bob Uecker as Harry Doyle in Major League

3. OJ Simpson as Det. Nordberg in Naked Gun

2. Cam Neely as Sea Bass in Dumb and Dumber

1. Ray Allen as Jesus Shuttlesworth in He Got Game

Friday, October 14, 2005

Top Seven People I'd Like to See on The Surreal Life

7. Paula Abdul - major meltdown would be inevitable and make for solid tv

6. Bill O'Reilly - I'm not sure but I think he and Omarosa may actually be the same person

5. Jenna Jameson - I think she'd get along nicely with #1

4. Lawrence Taylor - lots of cocaine + woman beating = tv ratings

3. Cameron Diaz - my apologies to Cameron for including her in this list but she is just too hot to not be on tv

2. Larry David - he makes everyday life hilarious, just imagine what he could do with this material

1. Quagmire - Giggidy, giggidy, gig-gi-dy!

Thursday, October 13, 2005

Top Seven Movies of 1982

7. Tron

6. First Blood

5. ET

4. The Wall

3. Rocky III

2. Porky's

1. Blade Runner

Wednesday, October 12, 2005

Top Seven Cancelled TV Shows

7. MacGyver

6. Futurama

5. Freaks and Geeks

4. Salute Your Shorts

3. The Adventures of Pete & Pete

2. Undeclared

1. Family Guy

Tuesday, October 11, 2005

Top Seven Quagmire Quotes

7. Here's to the Drunken Clam, boys. Where they don't ask for proof of age and neither do I.

6. I felt guilty once, but she woke up halfway through.

5. Quagmire: Hey there sweetie, how old are you?
Connie: 16.
Quagmire: 18? You're first.
Connie: Mom!
Quagmire: I like where this is goin'! Giggidy, giggidy, gig-gi-dy!

4. Hello, 911? It's Quagmire. Yeah, it's caught in the window this time.

3. Social worker: Glen honey, I got a question for you. What do you do for a living?
Quagmire: I got a question for you. Why are you still here?

2. Brooke: Quagmire, will you accept this rose?
Quagmire: Really? After I drugged you and had sex with your unconscious body?
Brooke: What?
Quagmire: Yes.

1. Auctioner: Our first item is a pair of panties confiscated from a prostitute.
Quagmire: Fifty bucks.
Auctioner: She had nine STDs.
Quagmire: Forty-five bucks.
Auctioner: And when we caught her she wet herself.
Quagmire: Fifty bucks.